Achi news desk-
ARE you cringing at the thought that your message will be ignored when you press ‘send’? No, because you are contacting one of these bland bastards.
The one you made arrangements with
Whether it’s a date with cold feet or a flaky friend, this knobhead will ignore your last quick message to confirm without even the courtesy of a bullshit excuse like ‘My cat is suffering of ennui’. Now you’ve gone to the trouble of showering and putting on nice clothes, but at least you’ll look good buying a comfort drink at Tesco Express. Shame your chat options are limited to the old biddy transformed by the sliced ​​bread as his bags of free diamonds.
The one you borrowed something from
You kindly lent them something and months later you ask for it back, but there is no response. Strangely, you start to doubt yourself. Are you being petty for wanting it back? It was just a Nutribullet anyway, it was a bit of a faff, they probably did you a favor by taking it off your hands. It’s pathetic. Now you have the shame of knowing that you are spineless as well as unable to make a smoothie.
The one with the attractive message
The person who sends ‘Big news!’ or ‘OMG!’ message, without any further context or information. You are instantly hooked as a highly gullible fish. ‘What is that?’ or ‘Say!’ you answer excitedly. Weeks later the big news is that Tony is back with Suzanne. You have no idea who Suzanne is, and Tony you met once a year ago. Should you block someone from lame gossip? Yes.
The one who thinks they are better
You used to be friends until they got a much better life than you with a six figure salary, a merchant banker’s wife and an Aga that looks like a steampunk ‘land dreadnought’. Now your attempts to reconnect are thwarted, and unless you’re having the same boring bonding experiences of restoring a Tuscan farmhouse, you’re out for good. You’ll have to settle for happy memories from the past, like barfing cider in a park full of dogs. How can they not miss that?
The one you see
Getting a male partner to read a message is difficult, but the chances of getting a coherent response are slim. You can forget about a meaningful answer to ‘Have you fed the children today?’, ‘Can you have some milk?’ and ‘I’m having an affair’. Try to start each message with a thought-provoking question, eg. ‘Who would win in a fight between Sydney Sweeney and a monkey?’ It will distract him and maybe open up a dialogue about not eating dry corn crisps.
The one you don’t see
You’ve sunk low enough to drunkenly initiate contact with your ex-boss, and now they have the ability to rub salt in your wound by not responding. Even though you dumped him, doesn’t he owe it to you to engage in your long, rambling monologue of emotional nonsense where he is portrayed as worse than Satan? He will also ignore your inevitable morning-after message asking him to ignore the previous message, the bastard.
