Achi news desk-
NATURALIST, naturalist and national treasure Sir David Attenborough has turned his analytical eye to the brutal and wild rituals of the hen party.
“To mark a 33-year-old account manager from Doncaster becoming a woman, the girls are invited to a WhatsApp group. And so it begins.
“The hierarchy of the herd determines those who are summoned to this time-honoured rite of passage, with the blond ones taking precedence. Although wise elders, such as mothers, colleagues and nephews, will be incapacitated by drink early on.
“They later become a source of awkwardness once males – chosen for their attractive plumage and physical strength – gather in front of the bride to take part in a traditional G-string mating dance that symbolizes the loss of her last vestiges of be a girl
“As the pack stalks the raw, savage plains of Bradford, the hens assert their flock identity by using sashes emblazoned with the words ‘Team Bride’. These prove that they have pledged loyalty to her throughout the ceremony and that they will swarm interminers.
“The bride herself will wear a superior veil or sash to show her leadership. It is highly unusual for any of the hens to switch allegiances to rival brides at this point, but motivated by basic needs, they may feel angry and a better party goes home.
“Sometimes the bride will also adorn herself with L plates. This semiology deters any other potential mates and shows that she will soon lose her virtue to one particular male, ignoring the fact that she has be scum around for a few years.
“Fertility symbols are crucial. Repeated references to the phallus symbolize the young woman’s confidence to face the challenges of marriage. An inflatable penis to ride on, a phallic shaped straw, and cock poppers all prove she’s come of age.
“The ritual ends in the nameless jungle of the ThrustZ nightclub where the women parade in front of men showing their attractiveness to potential stepfathers of their young by using traditional mating calls, such as ‘Snog the Bride’.”
