Achi news desk-
By Prince Andrew
It’s about time there was a movie about me, so I can’t wait to see Scoop with Gillian Anderson. It’s sure to be popular, so why not turn it into a franchise? These are my plans for the ‘Andyverse’.
The sequence i Scoop
The obvious starting point of my extended universe. I assume Scoop It will show me cleverly winning a battle of wits with the cow Maitlis, as I did at the time. Audiences will love it, so we need a direct sequel, much like that Star Wars a The Empire Strikes Backk.
In Scoop 2 I will bravely clear my name and become King due to public demand, which could definitely happen. Rufus Sewell is like me alright, but he’s too old and doesn’t look like me, so I’d play myself. I’d like to go in a more ‘erotic thriller’ direction, but I’m sure Gillian Anderson and Billie Piper will be ready for full nudity.
A prequel series
The obvious setting is the Falklands War, where my maverick pilot takes out dozens of Argie Mirages in his trusty Sea King helicopter. Obviously that didn’t happen in real life, but you have to use artistic license. You’re not telling me Tom Cruise could pull 8Gs with his aging bladder.
Of course, what my female fans want is a good romcom. No shortage of material there. I envision something like Four Weddings…, but based on my own bachelor days in the 80s, with me shaking around and finally meeting the right woman, Lady Sarah Ferguson, played by Christina Hendricks. Because they both have red hair. Obviously.
My last prequel project is Dr. Epstein’s Island, where a naive 55-year-old young prince is lured into a web of sex by an evil financier. When he realizes what is happening, he does nothing to help the victims and heroically denies everything. I’ve penciled in Margot Robbie for my love interest, Virginia. We will digitally de-age her 16 years old.
Superhero character (TBC)
It’s all superhero movies these days, so I’m keen to acquire IP. Unfortunately, the only one who hasn’t been caught is Bananaman. Maybe it would work if we went down the gritty reboot route, with Bananaman’s parents dying in front of him after being shot in cold blood by Captain Cream. I’ll leave the details to Chris Nolan.
Goods
Every extended universe has goods. They must be coining it from Captain Marvel and Madame Web products, so I have a few ideas:
Action figures. These make more money than the movies. I would have figures of myself in loads of different outfits so parents would have to buy them all, eg. RAF flight suit, ceremonial gown, massage parlor towel. Eat your heart out, George Lucas.
Signed photos. Always on Amazon. You could probably make hundreds in an hour, but I’d get a footman to do it for me. Hardly anyone knows what my signature looks like anyway, except for all those federal prosecutors.
Collectables. Although cynics scoff at their high prices, some of these are actually quite well made. I think any young person would be very pleased to have a precious figurine of me standing proudly in their bedroom.
Sex comedy
Humor and sex are two of my favorites, as you know from me organizing the 1987s It’s a Royal Knockout and the many tabloid stories about me. I’ve always liked Confessions of a Window Cleaner, possibly because I can relate to Robin Asquith getting into trouble for his ill-advised excrement. Although he usually has to escape from angry men, not the FBI.
