Achi news desk-
NOTHING Compared to the sense of freedom you get from leaving the magistrates court after narrowly avoiding a driving ban or prison. As a keen driver, this is my advice to fellow touring enthusiasts.
No amount of insurance makes you a safer driver
Ok, so I’m in trouble for driving without insurance again. But think about it – if you have insurance, why not go into someone else’s and let the insurance pay for it? And most of the time you don’t crash, so it’s a complete waste of money that you could be spending on something worthwhile, like getting a funny new tit every month.
Fate plays a surprisingly large role in flipping your car
I am a strong believer in destiny. And also tarot, psychics and ghosts. But it’s fate that brought me together recently Married At First Sight JJ Slater. And if fate is responsible for important things like me finding eternal love again, it must have been responsible for being over the limit while burning up and flipping my car that time. Bloody fate. I wish it would f**ki away sometimes.
Plan your trip to see the sights
A carefully chosen scenic route makes driving a real pleasure. One of my favorite places is West Sussex, home to the South Downs National Park, Arundel Castle, East Wittering Beach and great stop-and-go traffic lights, leading to a trip to historic Crawley Magistrates’ Court.
Choose the right vehicle for your needs
Someone like me who never drives off-road and has poor driving skills definitely needs a big vehicle that builds enough momentum and gives you a false sense of vulnerability, so it’s a Range Rover every time. However, I have also had my eye on a pink Porsche GT3RS. They say most accidents are caused by people driving too slowly, so a top speed of 184mph is basically a safety feature.
Always check your tires and points on your licence
It is estimated that worn tires cause 25 per cent of fatal collisions in the UK. Do the ’20p test’ and check that your soles cover the outer band of a 20p coin, and if you’re still unsure go to a garage. Also keep an eye on how many points you have on your licence. They go away after a while, but the golden rule is: three to nine points, absolutely fine, 12 or more is bad and you’ll have to hope the coppers don’t see you. Maybe turn your headlights off at night, that should help.
Pay your various motoring expenses with OnlyFans
Driving for pleasure can be an expensive business. All the little extra costs add up – antifreeze, car vacuum cleaner, copy of Britain’s Most Amazing Scenic Drives by The Reader’s Digest, and so on. What I’ve done is set up an OnlyFans page for the handful of very sad men who still care about my latest space hopper boobs, and that more than pays for my driving gloves and tire pressure gauges .
Peter Andre’s fault is your latest court appearance
If you get in trouble with the law, it’s not your fault. All those no-good fellas who ruined your life and made you a bag of nerves, especially Peter Andre. It might sound unlikely that a relationship that ended in 2012 could make you forget you’re doing 70mph in a 40mph zone, but that’s how much of a bastard Peter is.
